I tried the infamous open and point on my bilingual dictionary to get a title that might just spark a topic for this weeks update and sure enough the first thing my eyes fell on was the exact opposite of what I chose to focus on last week.
That was honestly about three hours ago- if not more, and yes we are still here, and no- I have no more desire to write a blog about weakness than I did then. I started and am kinda updating that rough start, but the loud Latin music kinda gets distracting and after too long staring at a vague paragraph in a word doc there’s no reason to turn your brain to mush by sitting there much longer. I thought of just posting a quick Feliz Navidad – haha im in a skirt and a short sleeve shirt and we’re going to the Laguna for a few days next week. I thought of just telling about the 40 some Christmas ornaments I made out of foam for a bunch of kids in the barrio or mopping at the nursing home or seeing a mountain of trash juxtaposed against the lush forest behind it bearing roughly the same sillouette.
I looked through the little calendar that I write down each days activities on and thought about discussing the 20 kids who came for the literacy program or the parade that we passed while running at 5 o clock this morning. I’ve ignored apparent words from God before- opening up to ‘weakness’ the week after writing about strength could be a coincidence. Just like opening up to verse after verse, almost cross references in fact that speak directly into what I had been needing to hear. Weakness. What about it?
Sometimes it just seems pointless to keep rehashing the little stuff. I just think of Esmerelda singing “God help the outcasts” whereas saying about herself “I ask for nothing- I can get by”. I say that a lot. I’m ok. Nothings wrong- i’m doing fine. That word has been so overused that it should no longer have any place in my vocabulary for it no longer carries any weight. What does it mean to be fine? What does ok really stand for. Happy, content, safe, alive?
Ok- more than fine. I’m doing well. It’s a beautiful day. Not too hot, able to wear flip flops in December, living in a gorgeous city with amazing people. Can’t complain.
Yet it’s still not good enough.
There’s gotta be more to how you are really doing than the weather. There’s gotta be a deeper motive to how one interacts than whether or not ones throat is dry or feet are tired.
A team left this morning after spending a week here ministering in the barrio and the stories they told about healing and movement and real authentic change even after just day left me excited for them but saddened that they were able to enter that community with authority and leave strengthened and I enter with Christmas ornaments and a different sense of responsibility and leave drained. It doesn’t take long to recover ones voice after shouting at 30 restless kids for an hour but if all they leave with is something to stick on a most likely non existant tree, there is really no point.
I keep waiting and waiting for a floodgate to just open and the day to come that I sit around in that circle and share stories that make people yearn for more, but it turns out you can´t have one gift without the other. It´s impossible to truely live in the strength and authority that has been given to us freely without first accepting the reality of our weaknesses. It´s so easy to brush off any struggle with a simple ´no importa´because I really have been fairing relatively well. Really well. I cannot complain, but one thing I’m starting to learn is to be truely honest with myself, you, the team and then start acting like I really want something to be different. Not just for me but for the kids we’re trying to touch.
I’ve been given full authority to do whatever I feel led to in regards to the literacy program and yet I think of it as another kids program to organize. Another VBS. Another scheduled babysitting slot.
If I really want something to be different I have to realize that following in every other program’s footsteps won’t bring different results. I truely believe there’s a reason why the vast majority of teenagers leave what they consider Christianity as soon as they get a chance. Christmas ornaments carry no power. The 20 will probably shrink to 2 or 3 if I make it hard, but if I can invest into a few who really care, their influence will far outweigh that of the others. Difficulty points out weaknesses- the fact that we aren’t strong enough, smart enough, capable enough to reach the point we define success. Weaknesses allow one to recognize a different goalpost, to see a more fulfilling end and finally realize that the only way to get there is to be carried.
